tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86941448789606953152024-03-05T00:52:53.156-07:00ADHD and the Stay at Home MomADHD and the Stay at Home Mom HAS MOVED! Check out new posts and our new forum at www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com !Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-52037574608639538622020-06-12T11:23:00.001-07:002020-06-12T11:23:08.521-07:00ADHD AND THE STAY AT HOME MOM IS MOVING!!!I'm so excited to announce that this blog is about to have IT'S OWN WEBSITE!!! No more will be limited to the boring themes and limited capabilities of Blogger! On the new site, we're moving to bigger and better things! ANNNNNDDDDDDDDD we're launching tonight!<div><br /></div><div>Just like my current blog, it will have all of my same blogging posts, but we will now have a forum to discuss tips, tricks, and stories about ADHD. Expect cooler colors and prettiness! Also, expect that I have spent way too much time on picking the right shade of green or beige for random things! Lol.</div><div><br /></div><div>New Website!</div><div>New Forum!</div><div>Easier navigation!</div><div>More coolness and pretty things!</div><div>Much excitement!</div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you to all of YOU for your support!</div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-53861316770984374832020-06-09T10:29:00.001-07:002020-06-09T10:29:47.877-07:00ADHD and Spending Money<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs-E0ddu3OH8OelWb_xad0gSCJS-S3zE6giEea3gHDl0qMUlMxMRCATAA3zGs_vKlzoQXcCO0oZkWo2TX_GCqpGGOHtd1-Jcj-n_lr1LaqZEugGxEck1e9-ZC2uCvE93HlYotFhMS6b9I/s4193/william-iven-gcsNOsPEXfs-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2785" data-original-width="4193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs-E0ddu3OH8OelWb_xad0gSCJS-S3zE6giEea3gHDl0qMUlMxMRCATAA3zGs_vKlzoQXcCO0oZkWo2TX_GCqpGGOHtd1-Jcj-n_lr1LaqZEugGxEck1e9-ZC2uCvE93HlYotFhMS6b9I/s320/william-iven-gcsNOsPEXfs-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h2><h2 style="text-align: left;">Saving with Impulse Issues is Tough</h2><div>My husband and I are opposites when it comes to money. Surprisingly enough, HE'S THE SPENDER!!! Expensive hobbies and nice cars are things that cost us thousands per year. I typically invade Pinterest and don't actually pull the trigger on buying things... unless it's home decor... Even then, the thrift stores and "great deals" can add up. Fast. $5 a day is $60 a month! Ouch!</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">The Breaking Point</h3><div>Before we had kids, I was trying to make the whole "animals are babies" thing work. We had 2 cats and one german shepherd puppy in an 800sqft apartment... Yeah... Too much to handle. We reached our breaking point when we noticed the puppy was having medical issues and we had to give him up. (They were a lovely family with 2 acres of fenced land and two other shepherds that loved dogs. We were sent lots of pictures showing how happy he was.) We were a little broken. If we couldn't take care of an animal, and kids were important to us, how could we move forward?</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">That Book My Parents Gave Us...</h3><div>Yeah. The finance book my parents gave us on our wedding day... The Dave Ramsay book... We pulled it out and started slow. We didn't read it cover to cover, but we did find the income ratios in the back of the book. When we compared our expenses to what we were making, we realized that "zero budget" does not mean assign every dollar you own on a different bill. We traded in the used Audi that was a "good deal" for a much cheaper car and started to work on our debts. At this point, I was fully on board, but hubby, master of the finances and the spender, was only partway there.</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">More Problems</h3><div>We had freed up more money, but hubby didn't want to have tons of savings just sitting around, and although we were putting more money toward bills, we weren't sacrificing in lifestyle. At this stage, we were better. We bought a house. We had a son. And we were stable. Perfect! Right?</div><div><br /></div><div>We had a HUGE bump in the road when we decided to move internationally. Hubby applied for the job and we moved... 2 months later. We sold the house, use the money to pay off the debts, and set aside cash for our renting deposit. Two years later we were living the high life and still not saving enough. We also paid for a trip to Disneyland on a credit card... With flights from Germany... I wasn't involved in finances still, so when I asked "are you sure we can afford this?" And hubby said yes, I believed him. It's not his fault, he just didn't want to save up and we WERE making a lot more money. His thought was we'd be able to pay off the trip quickly. But we didn't. We ate the debt. And then when we had to move out for hubby's mental health (He was a military contractor and they were having him work 12 hour nights, 7 days a week, for 2-3 months at a time AND we had a newborn.)</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Actually Getting Better</h3><div>We had to borrow $10k from my parents. I was so upset with myself that I was so blind to everything going on with our money and my ADHD was out of control. The stress of dealing with G's preschool that viewed ADHD as coming from abuse, living in a country where you don't speak the language, and having a newborn with zero support was debilitating. When we came back to the US we started living and breathing everything Dave Ramsay. My son knows his name, people. My 4-year-old was involved in getting out of debt.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">What Did We Change?</h2><div>With ADHD, staying "gazelle intense" was pretty much impossible for us until we found ways to get our mental health in check. It meant therapy, meds, and lots of free activities that could keep us busy and away from expensive hobbies. We lost weight by doing better eating and joining a gym.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Staying Busy</h3><div>Since we had lived in Florida at the time we found out that Bush Gardens had a yearly pass that was the cost of one daily ticket. You just had to pay for parking. No blackout dates. We spent a lot of our holidays and "I'm bored" weekends doing that which saved a lot of money. We looked for free tours and anything else we could get our hands on. Did you know Disneyworld did free character sing-alongs (before COVID, unsure of current activities) on their campground resort every weekend? A gym has childcare and cost us less than $50 a month for both kids, AND they have a hot-tub. I made a rule that the hot-tub was a reward, so if I was on the treadmill for 10 minutes I could go sit in it.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Better Eating</h3><div>Our local grocery store had meal kits with recipe cards on them. Everything was pre-measured and there was so much less to think about when cooking. It reduced the stress of eating at home and changed our eating-out habits dramatically. We lost a ton of weight and were able to keep up with the kids better.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Where Are We Now?</h2><div>We still have debt, but we've paid off close to $100k so far and are on track to be debt-free by the end of this year. We have monthly "dream meetings" to remind us what we're doing and why buying 15 bird decor items or computer parts this month isn't a priority. Or tools. This month's expensive hubby hobby is tools... But what I will say, is having our money set up in a much better place has made my symptoms WAY better. It's made hubby and I much better parents to our kids. The stress of money is painful, but even as a stay-at-home mom, I've had a valuable role to play in our family getting on track.</div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-59509716429129564882020-06-04T19:13:00.001-07:002020-06-04T19:13:56.681-07:00Build (Time Management Series Part 2)<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUKiVE8bNhvQhRQ_DdUi5FBp293mADejd31Vgc2sRlZ-BKhlV1zsjszW9BINgEgjxqZ6gGyjVPm8H7OozpUJy6pN80ZS-aSDhz5-klofHg8-Ly_hGViIdvBGvxljcDsBD5WF_LSBv3Nww/s5184/jazmin-quaynor-18mUXUS8ksI-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="5184" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUKiVE8bNhvQhRQ_DdUi5FBp293mADejd31Vgc2sRlZ-BKhlV1zsjszW9BINgEgjxqZ6gGyjVPm8H7OozpUJy6pN80ZS-aSDhz5-klofHg8-Ly_hGViIdvBGvxljcDsBD5WF_LSBv3Nww/s320/jazmin-quaynor-18mUXUS8ksI-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h1 style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Building the Schedule</h1><div>If you're lost on what building has to do with time management, <a href="https://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/06/intro-planning-time-management-day-1.html">the time management Planning Post</a> will help you start at square one so that this stage is a breeze.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now that we've put together all of our tasks into groups it's easier to assemble all of the pieces. As much fun as it is to dive in, look at your goals one day at a time. For my example, I'm going to say that "Day 1" is Sunday, but know that your "Day 1" should be a relative day of rest before you jump into the week. If you need to change things up a bit because your life doesn't mold to the 7-day week model, that's okay, too. Make your test period match your own life.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Gather Your Materials</h2><div>Do you have your notecards sorted by priority? Do you have a pen? Do you have a notebook or other paper as well as your schedule? Awesome! Let's get started.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Making the Schedule</h2><h3 style="text-align: left;">Preparing the Schedule</h3><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Make Sure You're Ready</b></li><ul><li>Take one last look for any appointments that you wrote down in a notebook in your purse. Complete the task building from the previous post (linked above).</li></ul><li><b>Daily Emotions</b></li><ul><li>Think about where you tend to be emotionally through your day. Do you have a hard time waking up? Are you emotionally fried by 3:00? Are you so hungry you can't stand it by 5:00?</li><li>Write down any patterns you find on a separate piece of paper when it comes to emotions, so we can schedule the right breaks and tasks to minimize problems in your day. </li></ul><li><b>Consistent Distractions</b></li><ul><li>Do the kids always wake up from a nap at a certain time? Are they dying of hunger and need a snack at 10? Does your husband/wife come home at a consistent (ish) time? What time do you usually have work meetings? Are you constantly helping your spouse get out of the door on time?</li><li>Write these down next to your emotional notes. This can help you avoid snapping if you're interrupted consistently and maybe help you plan a task that is near the solution to your interruption or make the task set lighter to avoid problems.</li></ul></ol><h3 style="text-align: left;">Assigning Tasks</h3></div><div>Use your notecards to easily shuffle around task groups without erasing, ripping papers, or deleting everything on your document to fix one little thing.</div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Set Your Appointments</b></li><ul><li>Anything that you agreed to do at a specific time, do those first. Everything else can be wiggled around a bit, but these are set in stone.</li></ul><li><b>Set Your Mandatory Anchors</b></li><ul><li>Your "anchors" are going to be consistent nearly every day. They are your routines. You wake up, have breakfast, start work (or someone does), have lunch, finish work (if not you, your spouse), family time, eat dinner, and go to bed. These things will (almost) always happen, so it's important to start with what we know.</li><li>YES, family time is mandatory and needs to be consistent. This is the time that even if you're sucked into a project you will force yourself to be present.</li></ul><li><b>Important/Urgent (At least one!)</b></li><ul><li>These are time-sensitive and they must be done well. So look at your deadline and the time it takes to do the task group.</li><li>The longest task that has the closest deadline gets the distraction-free, emotionally balanced time slot, and a 30-minute break immediately after. Trust me. You need the time to emotionally celebrate the win and then take a few breaths to let the stress actually leave.</li><li>If you have another task that's due on the same day, add that task. If the work required is high for this task group, take your next 30-minute break. If it's low, you can stick to a 15-minute break.</li><li>DO NOT fill this day entirely with Important/Urgent tasks. It's tempting, but you'll be emotionally drained at the end of the day. Try to spread your load where you can.</li></ul><li><b>Important/Not Urgent</b></li><ul><li>You promised to look over your cousin's manuscript, but you only see him 3 times a year. Look for a time when things aren't hectic, but if one or two small distractions that you can predict are there don't stress about it too much.</li><li>Make sure to plan for the distraction and prep your space for fixing it. I suggest making a symbol on your planner to let you know that there's an extra caveat to this time. Maybe a squirrel sticker?</li><li>This should still be in a place where emotions aren't high.</li><li>If you still have a 30-minute break, put it here.</li></ul><li><b>Not Important/Urgent</b></li><ul><li>First, take a minute to decide if these are worth holding on to. Scheduling family Christmas photos might be worth it, but that sale..? Maybe not. All of your tasks take up emotional space in your day, so use your time slots wisely.</li><li>If it is still a must-do then these can be done when you are not actively distracted, but maybe more emotionally spent. If you can leave the house and do these tasks without extra people, that can be a bonus.</li><li>Plan on having a 15-minute break after these task groups.</li></ul><li><b>Not Important/Not Urgent</b></li><ul><li>These must be a pure fun sort of thing or trivial enough that it's worth doing. If you have a break in the day, squeeze these in around your other task groups.</li><li>Even these can need a 15-minute break to help you get in the zone for something else.</li></ul></ol><h3 style="text-align: left;">Double Check Your Appointments, Routines, and Deadlines!!!!</h3><h1 style="text-align: left;">ALL DONE! Move to your Test Phase!!</h1><div><br /></div></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-16300227483829784832020-06-04T14:26:00.002-07:002020-06-06T01:41:29.426-07:00Intro & Planning (Time Management Day 1, Part 1)<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG9c4vjlDZK3CXovQ1Fy8pQ2Kra4la2saAGiALiM4BgQGAri-YUvHNLxDg5OYBlaNXozWSScNHBTSseiuaBSGghVsbdCFIuZ5h0hyYSQeITIvv5fr0hTMr4EPEbdXtwoAWnKLPpRDutmM/s5150/daniel-von-appen-fUZJUhXKP8A-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3862" data-original-width="5150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG9c4vjlDZK3CXovQ1Fy8pQ2Kra4la2saAGiALiM4BgQGAri-YUvHNLxDg5OYBlaNXozWSScNHBTSseiuaBSGghVsbdCFIuZ5h0hyYSQeITIvv5fr0hTMr4EPEbdXtwoAWnKLPpRDutmM/s320/daniel-von-appen-fUZJUhXKP8A-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><h1 style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Agile Project Management For Home Use</h1><div>In my <a href="https://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/06/a-new-time-management-plan-start-of.html">last post</a>, I briefly talked about applying the Agile method of project management to our regular lives, but here's a quick recap.</div><div><br /></div><div>Agile (or Scrum) is a project managing method that software and app developers use to deliver a working product quickly to their customers that they intend to improve with frequent updates. Because it's meant to be quick and ever-changing I think it works well with ADHD. It gives us a great framework to start from and lets us see our schedule as a "Test" rather than a pass/fail chore list. We are constantly learning and adapting, which means that we need to have a schedule designed to adapt, too.</div><div><br /></div><div>In Agile they have something called a "Sprint" which lasts between one week and one month. For our daily lives, we'll have it stick to one week. Each "Sprint" has four stages, the Plan, Build, Test, and Review stages. They sound intuitive, and for computer programming, they are. My adaptation requires a little more explanation, but it follows the same principals.</div><div><br /></div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Plan (Day 1, Part 1)-</b> This is where we brainstorm tasks, find out how long they take, and group them into routines for efficiency. We also decide what their priority level is.</li><li><b>Build (Day 1, Part 2)- </b>This is where we move our routines and task groups into our schedule.</li><li><b>Test (Days 2-6)- </b>This is where we actually go through our week and see how well the schedule works. You will probably find things that need small changes, or learn new things about your day. Even if you have a rough week, we can see where our "experiment" went wrong.</li><li><b>Review (Day 7)- </b>This is where we think about our week as an outside observer and come up with new ideas to make the next one better. If you <a href="https://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/05/adhd-emotional-regulation-plan-for.html">get stressed</a> at a certain time of day or find that you have things next to each other that don't seem to mesh, this is where we can tweak small pieces of our schedule to make everything more efficient.</li></ol><div>With all of this in mind, it's important to know that your schedule will get better and easier over time. Each time we go through a step it will be easier and faster than the last time we did it.</div></div><h1 style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Planning is the First Step</h1><div>When we start our planning phase of making a schedule, it's the dreaming stage of your schedule. The goal is to write down everything we want to do, decide how much time each task takes, and not feel like we didn't accomplish everything we set out to do during the day. This process is called Time blocking.</div><h2 style="clear: both; text-align: left;">How Do You Accurately Time Block?</h2><h3 style="text-align: left;">The Part We Know How to Do</h3><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Brainstorm Tasks-</b></li><ul><li>Grab a large stack of notecards and write down just the name of every task that you want to do. You want these cards to be movable so you aren't throwing away entire notebooks because of a small mistake or epiphany while you're making your plans in future steps. Think of the things you do all the time, and add in any one-time appointments or commitments for the week.</li></ul><li><b>Frequency-</b></li><ul><li>On the front of each card, write down how often each task needs to happen. Is it every day? Weekly? Monthly? Just Once?</li></ul><li><b>Expected Times-</b></li><ul><li>Leaving as much working space as possible, write on the back of the card how long you think that card's task should take.</li></ul></ol><h3 style="text-align: left;">The Part We Never Actually Think Through</h3><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Add Prep Time-</b></li><ul><li>Think about the time that you need to gather the things required to start your task. If you don't need anything to accomplish your task, add five minutes to use the bathroom or get in the right frame of mind.</li></ul><li><b>Add Travel Time-</b></li><ul><li>Is it a 15-minute drive to work? Add 15 minutes to your work time, and then add an extra 5 minutes for small problems, like missing a turn or forgetting something at the house after you left the neighborhood.</li></ul><li><b>Add Problem Time-</b></li><ul><li>Think of one problem that happens whenever you go to do each of your tasks. Do you search for a pen when you fill out paperwork? Do you have to find the shot records for your son's vaccines? Think of that problem and round the average amount of time it takes up to the nearest 5. Add that time to your task.</li></ul><li><b>Actual Time of Task-</b></li><ul><li>Now you should have a closer-to-accurate task time that is put nicely on the front of your task card. </li></ul></ol><h3 style="text-align: left;">Making Routines and Task Groups</h3><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Put Routine Tasks Together-</b></li><ul><li>Things that you do around the same time should be put into a routine group. When you wake up, you get dressed, take a shower, brush your teeth, and brush your hair in the bathroom and possibly at the same time. This routine can be considered the "Morning Routine" and they can be paperclipped together since you can't leave any of these tasks undone or shuffle them to other times in the day. Look for other routines like making food, eating lunch, and wiping off the table. Make a routine card that sits on the top of your stack.</li></ul><li><b>Put Related Tasks or Projects Together-</b></li><ul><li>Look for tasks that can be done either in the same space or have common threads. If one of your tasks is to do crafts with the kids, and another is to clean the room that you craft in, lump these two things together to save transition time. When you have your routine together, make a label notecard, and paperclip them.</li></ul><li><b>Timing Your Routines/Groups-</b></li><ul><li>Add up all of the actual times on your cards and round up to the nearest 15 minutes and write on the back of your card.</li></ul><li><b>Editing Your Routines/Groups-</b></li><ul><li>If any routines last for more than one hour, consider breaking them up to allow for breaks in your schedule. Some things may have to be lengthy; Cooking dinner, eating, and clearing the table takes more than an hour. Others might be better broken up, such as long stretches of paperwork or big exercise routines. Relabel groups as needed. Having a few long tasks that are by themselves is helpful, too.</li></ul><li><b>5 More Minutes-</b></li><ul><li>Add 5 minutes of clean up/reflection time to the end of your routine. Trust me, even if it doesn't make your space fully clean, it will make it less daunting later. The reflection can help you tweak what your realistic routine time looks like so it can be perfected over time.</li></ul><li><b>Actual Routine Time-</b></li><ul><li>Now you have the true time it takes you to complete your routines and task groups, you can write those times on the front of your card.</li></ul></ol><h3 style="text-align: left;">Prioritizing Your Cards and Adding Essential Non-tasks</h3></div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Make a Priority Grid-</b></li><ul><li>Separate a piece of paper into 4 sections- Important/Urgent, Important/Not Urgent, Not Important/Urgent, Not Important/Not Urgent.</li></ul><li><b>Sort Your Tasks-</b></li><ul><li>In the grid, important is defined as "bad things will happen if I don't do this", and urgent means "doing this has a time limit". So clipping coupons can be important if your food budget is tight and it is also urgent because the coupons expire and you'll run out of bread in 3 days. Organizing the pantry is important, but nothing bad will happen if it isn't organized right away.</li></ul><li><b>Label Deadlines-</b></li><ul><li>If a group is in the Urgent column, write down its deadline on the top of the card. If you don't have a set deadline, and you have double-checked that it truly is urgent, make one.</li></ul><li><b>Add Missing Schedule Cards-</b></li><ul><li>The cards that you MUST have on your schedule but could be overlooked are:</li><ul><li>Breakfast (30 min)</li><li>Lunch (1 hour)</li><li>Dinner (1 1/2 hours)</li><li>Family Time (1 hour)</li><li>Bedtime (1 Hour)</li><li>Chaos Hour (1 Hour)</li><ul><li>This is the time on your schedule where you complete tasks that were unfinished due to... whatever it was. A butterfly. A toddler pulling on your arm. Your boss giving you a new task that needs to be done... Anything.</li></ul><li>30 Minute Break (x2)</li><li>15 Minute Break (Make as many breaks as you have routines/groups)</li></ul></ul></ol><h1 style="text-align: left;">DONE PLANNING!!!!! Take a break and get ready for <a href="https://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/06/build-time-management-series-part-2.html">Part 2</a>!!!</h1></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-43302463983857684892020-06-03T15:05:00.001-07:002020-06-04T15:01:55.885-07:00A New Time Management Plan (Start of a Series)<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipxam3YZZWXa8boGQ1FVcmDwFK5D5hnsTbpAdtcXlIw51FEbvPaczq9fvcPV5Gkp_p6flS7YBwMf_0N5LzeIblYLiRrZIf6zwn2hvb-aG4Jdwu8s2hdyEwZQKs4rrlw3-0e_2YW_EUQA4/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipxam3YZZWXa8boGQ1FVcmDwFK5D5hnsTbpAdtcXlIw51FEbvPaczq9fvcPV5Gkp_p6flS7YBwMf_0N5LzeIblYLiRrZIf6zwn2hvb-aG4Jdwu8s2hdyEwZQKs4rrlw3-0e_2YW_EUQA4/s320/aron-visuals-BXOXnQ26B7o-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h2 style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I Know How Long Things Take, Things Just Go Wrong.</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">I think this is how EVERY ADHDer feels about time management. We're not always great at it. I personally coined the term "I'm always 1 hour early or 2 hours late" in highschool. When I had kids I started having irregular appointment times and it threw a wrench in how I operated. When my phone navigation told me there was a traffic accident and 10 minutes was added to my trip, it made me 15 minutes late because I took a wrong turn or two during the reroute. I couldn't find my keys, or my hairbrush, or my wallet. I spent another 10 minutes looking for them... All these normal things compounded into an avalanche of chaos.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">People without ADHD naturally take all of these pieces into account and have a general sense of how long things take. They have the memory to know that these things happen enough that they need to be planned for. I don't naturally remember these things, which is a symptom of ADHD. This means that I have to really work through each piece of the task and preparation, then be able to change them as necessary. I'm not a naturally flexible person, so I must make systems that plan on being flexible.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;">Planning on Being Flexible?</h3><div>Yep. You have to find a way to build your plan that involves things going wrong. Promises and plans are made to be broken if we aren't already equipped to handle them. With time management that means having a lot of whitespace in the schedule to make up for small problems or interruptions. It also means a constantly updating system for getting through the day.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Time Management Takes... Well... Time.</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">When I say updating the schedule constantly, I don't mean making a brand new schedule where everything is entirely thrown out the window every day or every week. We want to have some relative constants in our schedule that we can use for muscle memory, but knowing that things can change or we can discover new things about ourselves that will benefit the schedule. Kids are born, take naps, take fewer naps, go to school, have summer vacation... Those things can make an ADHDer panic and revamp everything about their lives when really, all we need is a small update.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Related Spoiler/ Thing I Just Found Out About/ Skippable Backstory</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">In my spare time, I've been trying to develop an ADHD friendly planner or Bullet Journal page. [No promises YET] When I was talking to my husband about my plans he let me know that it was a lot like something he does as a high-level computer guy. "That sounds like the Agile (Or Scrum) method", to which I said "Huh?" This led to a bit of research and a total 180 on what I thought I was working on. This is what teams use when making videogames or other products that need to be made quickly, and don't necessarily have to be 100% perfect to start. Think of how your phone is constantly getting updated to make it work better. This is the method that the developers use to make sure that what they are doing is both what the customer wants, and can be fixed quickly if there's a problem. In the world of computers, they do a monthly update but for a mom/computer muggle who just wants to make life easier, I'm sticking to one week and filling all of the team's hats.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">How Did Your Tangent Affect Scheduling?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">What I learned was to take my schedule into workable chunks that are easy to work through. It's changed my system for managing time when you aren't home or you have actual projects you need to do. So, this is a more in-depth process with very different results and a more flexible approach to time management and making routines. It also gives me cooler words that remind me that changing things or not getting everything right is okay.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: justify;">Parts of an Evolving Schedule</h2><div>In the computer world, this is referred to as a "Sprint". I'm just going to lay it out there as a weekly plan. When you put this as a regular "work week" it starts as Sunday and ends on Saturday. My weekends are relatively free, but my goal is to make this as flexible to any schedule as possible.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Plan- (Day 1, Part 1)</b></li><ul><li>This is meant to be a rough sketch of what you want. For me, I'm using this to create and prioritize task blocks and routines without assigning them spaces. I just want to get all the ideas down and understand what those ideas mean.</li></ul><li><b>Build- (Day 1, Part 2)</b></li><ul><li>Putting all the pieces together in a way that makes sense and doesn't conflict with other obligations. This is where we actually play with our time and use our priority list to make things happen.</li></ul><li><b>Test- (Days 2-6)</b></li><ul><li>This is where we actually use our schedule and see where our conflicts are.</li></ul><li><b>Review- (Day 7)</b></li><ul><li>This is where we look at all the things that went right, all the things that went right, and do what we can to fix the problems. Every week is a TEST, not the final product.</li></ul></ol>I love the way this feels in my brain. I've instantly turned into a time scientist who is watching myself from the outside and not thinking in terms of failure or success. This is an experiment and no one knows what the results are, not even me!</div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-80794474508845855992020-05-27T10:13:00.002-07:002020-07-02T10:41:05.822-07:00Exercise and ADHD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizapKJoTlxiBg0tcn_my4b-AAsywj-3us-C4CajzZDqvlsdWGmJigzJAnTUw09wfQ38VbUVmZho1AuOQSU1mUOulanjTymyqQG_RD5pFCUz7pD9Ulm1U42wMOqZGy3JinXxHlHoRHb10Q/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4741" data-original-width="6000" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizapKJoTlxiBg0tcn_my4b-AAsywj-3us-C4CajzZDqvlsdWGmJigzJAnTUw09wfQ38VbUVmZho1AuOQSU1mUOulanjTymyqQG_RD5pFCUz7pD9Ulm1U42wMOqZGy3JinXxHlHoRHb10Q/s320/bruce-mars-wBuPCQiweuA-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h2 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h2><h2 style="text-align: left;">ADHD and the Stay at Home Mom has Moved!!!</h2><div>To see this post click <a href="https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/lazy-exercises-for-adhd">HERE</a></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-61944973039965506402020-05-26T15:00:00.003-07:002020-07-14T12:08:24.213-07:00Starting Therapy as an ADHD Adult<h2 style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGY0AYFGJoCdhMP4QYvyl27ljjySfzF7SJ3QRVRqbaGsOY-BM7TcSGkvUxURMbEWYgTh4sTAjT-0lTl0YAz0V4OiP8jDy5s4YNGe5LteaoGhutMI_RKSbkwoZxtjmlceW6DmjOt9IYMis/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="5004" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGY0AYFGJoCdhMP4QYvyl27ljjySfzF7SJ3QRVRqbaGsOY-BM7TcSGkvUxURMbEWYgTh4sTAjT-0lTl0YAz0V4OiP8jDy5s4YNGe5LteaoGhutMI_RKSbkwoZxtjmlceW6DmjOt9IYMis/s320/nik-shuliahin-BuNWp1bL0nc-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">This post has moved!</div></h2><h2 style="text-align: center;">Check out ADHD and the Stay at home Mom's Post on Starting Therapy as an Adult at</h2><h2 style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/therapy-and-adult-adhd">https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/therapy-and-adult-adhd</a></h2>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-77498678240306014452020-05-19T22:44:00.005-07:002020-05-27T10:58:50.722-07:00ADHD Emotional Regulation Plan For Adults<h2 style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_8g5r5ywxxLzQxo6VuWfiq0y_cZXaJ7mVBmLuq-KfzBG9yY8DF33NI14tP7TqDGFNgs3OGC3XMdLWXBkyo2WZVPiqLYZRbHjjE2Pj5O_0GP6bxNtV9EVG68TuQh-Lr7UbAq8HBy1A5aw/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3231" data-original-width="4847" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_8g5r5ywxxLzQxo6VuWfiq0y_cZXaJ7mVBmLuq-KfzBG9yY8DF33NI14tP7TqDGFNgs3OGC3XMdLWXBkyo2WZVPiqLYZRbHjjE2Pj5O_0GP6bxNtV9EVG68TuQh-Lr7UbAq8HBy1A5aw/s320/tengyart-_VkwiVNCNfo-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Do you need a plan?</h2><div>If you are an adult ADHDer who has trouble with regulating emotions or holding back feelings when you want to be overly expressive, then I'm sure you've already experienced the embarrassment or guilt that can come from outwardly overreacting to something in front of the wrong people. This particular symptom tends to cost ADHDers their jobs, relationships, and credibility. This is one of the most devastating symptoms of ADHD, but there is hope.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">What is the plan?</h2><div>As adults, we must be tackling our emotions both before the explosion and after. Emotions eat up our executive fuel tanks faster than any other executive function, and when that tank runs out whoever is in closest proximity, regardless of that person's importance, is going to get the brunt of our anger. It could be a lover, a friend, a boss, or a store clerk. That person is going to get hurt, and if we are constantly putting our friends and family on the firing squad, it's emotional abuse.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you struggle with other strong emotions like excitement or anxiety, these tips can help you come down from these, too.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Pre-blowout Plan</h3><div>We as ADHDers must be keeping our executive function tank full. When our blood sugar or neurotransmitters start to run low, that can spell disaster. So we need to plan accordingly.</div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span> </span>1) Before you go to bed, make sure you plan for the next day and set anything you need the next day in a box or where you get dressed. This will save you time, energy, and frustration before you head out the door. If there are certain daily actions that you need to do, make a morning checklist, and set that on top of your items for the next day. If you use a bullet journal, it can be one of the pages in there, but it needs to be accessible.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> 2) Plan for transitions between your tasks. If you don't always get to choose how long you work on something, but if you need to switch from one project to another, or you need to take a break, get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink. This will help you start to put your mind in the right place and let you come back to your chair without forcing yourself to switch over before you're ready. It will also help you refuel the tank a bit before jumping into another mentally taxing task.</span><br /></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span><span> 3) For long meetings, plan on having a sweet drink with you. Studies have shown that more blood glucose in the brain can boost executive function and keep you from zoning out as much. Try keeping individual drink mix pouches at your desk for a boost when getting up isn't an option.</span><br /></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span><span> 4) Use your break time to refuel your break with mindfulness or stretching. Studies have shown that exercise and mindfulness can help to boost dopamine, one of the chemicals that causes problems in ADHD brains. You don't need to run around the block, but going for a walk around your building or sitting on a bench and listening to a guided meditation will help you come back to work with less stress.</span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span><span><span><span> 5) Set a timer that buzzes periodically to remind you to check your emotional temperature (below) and make sure that you're staying in an optimal place for work.</span><br /></span></span></span></div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">When You Feel the Tank Running Out</h3><div>If you can't walk away from whatever is causing intense feelings on any part of the spectrum, it's important to have a way to deal with those feelings. So, I've modified something that my son uses to help with his emotions to make it a bit more... well, adult. It ranks the energy behind your emotions and lets you find a strategy that works for you.</div><div><br /></div><div><table border="1" bordercolor="#888" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse; border-color: rgb(136, 136, 136); border-width: 1px;"><tbody><tr><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Emotional Temp. </td><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Level of Listening </td><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Examples of Emotions</td><td style="min-width: 60px; text-align: center;"> Examples of Activities</td></tr><tr><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Hot</td><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Unable to Listen</td><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Anger, Ecstatic, Aggressive, Afraid, Tense</td><td style="min-width: 60px;"> Walk away, Take a Break, Exercise, Deep Breaths, Butterfly Hugs.</td></tr><tr><td> Warm</td><td> Partially Listening</td><td> Distracted, Excited, Overwhelmed, Playful, Frustrated, Annoyed</td><td> Deep Breaths, Seated Cat/Cows (Small Yoga), Mental Pep-talk, Sweet Drink, Fidget Tools</td></tr><tr><td> Cool</td><td> Fully Listening</td><td> Calm, Content, Focused</td><td> Work, Listen, Think Productively</td></tr><tr><td> Cold</td><td> Impaired Listening</td><td> Tired, Sad, Sick, Bored, Hurt</td><td> Stretch, Write Down Your Feelings in a Journal, Deep Breaths, Mental Pep-talk, Sweet Drink<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div><div>You can pick your own strategies, but keep a copy of your own chart either near your desk or in your pocket so you can reference it throughout the day. The goal is to stay as close to "Cool" as possible.</div><h2 style="text-align: left;">How Your Feelings Affect Others</h2><div>I want you to imagine that you and the people physically around you are rocks in a pot of water. If everyone in the pot is cool, the temperature doesn't change. If someone is cold, it lowers the temperature in the pot and makes everyone a little colder. If someone is warm or hot, that raises the temperature of the pot. When your emotions are uncontrolled, everyone else is involuntarily moved to whatever temperature you are at. That's not to say that they will have the same emotion, but if you are distracted (warm) and chatting with your neighbor who is trying to work they will become annoyed (warm). If you are sad (cold) then they may come over to comfort you and become sad themselves. The further someone is away from you physically, the less they change, but if it doesn't change over time it can affect the entire workplace.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Take Away</h2><div>It's unlikely that an entire workplace will stay entirely "cool", but it's up to each individual to moderate their own temperature as best as they can. If you encounter someone whose emotional temperature isn't optimal, you can talk to them to try and help, or disengage if you feel your temperature moving too far in any direction. Check-in with yourself throughout the day and see where you're at, and whether it's the place you want to be in that moment. Use strategies to make sure your executive function fuel tank stays full before your temperature changes.</div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-37666104580070392282020-05-19T12:40:00.001-07:002020-05-27T10:38:44.168-07:00Hostility and ADHD (A Story From My Life)<h2 style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5Nv6R-xX4fV0LkHJpXMkld0xj8Preg8gx6Ierecj2Z7PlR5uyhX-kT8EVu8IgpXcqKS171Y8yrwmlopjEeALZ5t-L5pKy-8s4LoeQLwH-kdcATWpJWWulO9CNNvUIJOKkhM-tbVlezjg/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="940" data-original-width="1280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5Nv6R-xX4fV0LkHJpXMkld0xj8Preg8gx6Ierecj2Z7PlR5uyhX-kT8EVu8IgpXcqKS171Y8yrwmlopjEeALZ5t-L5pKy-8s4LoeQLwH-kdcATWpJWWulO9CNNvUIJOKkhM-tbVlezjg/s320/shame-799099_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Why do people look down on others with ADHD?</h2><div>It's hard to imagine that not everyone's brain functions the same way when our outsides all look the same. Even among others with ADHD it can be hard for people to accept that someone has different symptoms or diagnosis than you do. Especially when the behavior that ADHDers exhibit from a small clip makes perfect sense. When your problem is self-regulation, it means that almost anything you do can be normal, but it's how the events are strung together that make the difference.</div><div><br /></div><div>Even in people with ADHD we don't always understand another person who has our same condition because the severity and presentations are differently affected. Some people need medication, others are able to use practical or holistic approaches, and others (like my son and I) need a combination of both. If you need more or less help, some people will berate you. This is because they either feel they are better than, or that it feels like someone is holding up a mirror to their own flaws.</div><div><br /></div><div>Many people who meet others have founded their belief in the world that everyone else who fits into certain boxes. (Race, Gender, Sexuality, Diagnosis...) When they meet someone who doesn't fit into a single labeled box, they become angry or upset. They lash out, which hurts everyone.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">A Story</h2><div>Keeping all of this in mind, I had an experience this weekend that I feel needs to be shared. I went to my new psychiatrist this weekend for my second appointment. I had talked to some people about anxiety and realized that what I had been experiencing was not, in fact, normal anxiety. At least, it isn't just normal anxiety, but someone else brought up a rare symptom in ADHD, called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that had the jumbled reactions to emotions that I was experiencing (physical pain, strong emotion, and then having a thought connected to the emotion). Because I haven't done any research on it, or had heard of it until the day of my appointment, I figured I would ask about it since I was told that treatment for this symptom was vastly different than anxiety.</div><div><br /></div><div>During my first appointment, I had told her a few side effects that I was having with one of my medications. It was something that my old psychiatrist (who moved practices and no longer takes my insurance) had been toying around with, but it just wasn't working. It was actually killing the little motivation I had to do things, and was making me uninterested in anything. Not sad, just glued to the bed and being dragged by hyper-focus.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I walked into this second appointment, it started normal enough. She asked how I was doing, and I told her that I still wasn't doing well with the anxiety meds, but I was developing new coping skills that were helping me in other areas. I told her that I had found out about my odd emotional reaction sequence and asked if it was a good idea for me to be re-evaluated given this new information. I was expecting a yes, no, or "You're a fairly new patient, and I'd like to work with you a bit longer before making a decision." None of things would have offended me, but what I got was none of those responses.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is where everything went wrong. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. She told me that re-evaluations "simply aren't done" and that I was learning too much about ADHD. She asked why I was so invested in it and berated me for saying that up until a year ago I was practically non-functional. I explained that my knowledge was needed not only for myself, but for my son. This was something I needed to improve so that I could guide him in the right direction. "Why is is that bad? Why is researching coping mechanisms and figuring out how to help my child a bad thing?"</div><div><br /></div><div>She dodged my questions and told me "I'm exactly the same as you. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30's. I have inattentive-ADHD and I have six degrees and a son with ADHD. There is nothing wrong with you."</div><div><br /></div><div>To this, I want to make a few points. My brain is beautiful, but I don't fully understand it, and for me to be able to cope with that, I need to learn about it. I learn and problem-solve. This is how I cope with everything in my life. Finances, children, illness, everything. Every week I'm researching a new thing and learning about it. The reason I do this is 1) I have a problem with hyper-focusing which often affects the people around me (Yep, laying that on the table) and 2) I love learning about things because it makes me feel more in control by helping me find or create solutions.</div><div><br /></div><div>Back in the appointment, I started crying. I was crying because as a mom who's job it is to make sure that her child succeeds in the world, I was terrified of the mirror she was holding up to herself. I immediately knew that the problem wasn't about me. It was about her seeing her own shortcomings. She asked me about how I had coped before I was married as an adult, but I was married right after after high school. Yes, in my late 20's I've been married for 10 years, to the same person, and he is my rock, world and everything. I don't think she could understand that I wasn't the same as her, and I wasn't fitting in her ADHD box. I don't think that she could compute that I could be in a stable relationship and work toward family goals despite my family being my job, just like psychiatry is hers.</div><div><br /></div><div>I walked out of that office in tears. I set up the appointment she asked me to for two weeks later, but it was just in case I hadn't found a new provider over the weekend. I now have a therapist, a new evaluation, and a new psychiatrist. I'm dealing with the feelings of rejection that are coming from my symptoms not being accepted by a mental health professional and am trying not to wonder how this will affect me moving forward. A new evaluation and a fresh start are exactly what I need so that, hopefully, my new psychiatrist isn't tainted by someone who looked at me, not with an analytical eye, but an emotional one.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">So what did I learn?</h2><div>Providers are humans. They're subject tot their own biases and personal flaws, just like the rest of us. We all judge each other, and in some cases it can be a good thing (the guy holding up the bank probably isn't in a good state of mind) and others it can be a bad thing. We often do judge others based on our own experiences, but there needs to be a true acknowledgement that they aren't everyone's experiences. Despite being told to from others around me, I did not report her. She may very well be fantastic with other patients who don't hit so close to home for her. We're a similar age with children and the same diagnosis. I truly believe that she sees too much in me to think objectively and as it stands I understand that she is human first and foremost.</div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-80904813066732959322020-05-13T13:53:00.003-07:002020-05-27T10:48:43.459-07:00Your Child's ADHD Team (And why they need to work together)<h2 style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIryZvxM8y_IEPM9VFTP215WNk7jLB572aEf8abOBucFFEaMvSzLom1oBlzwrSWZHN5sBzrIdiMLz5vDsaycg5u7VotNwSJHS-6lV_n83CwOeH90sTQIXPt-XxlAfkvSRRpmYKCv1BrfY/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIryZvxM8y_IEPM9VFTP215WNk7jLB572aEf8abOBucFFEaMvSzLom1oBlzwrSWZHN5sBzrIdiMLz5vDsaycg5u7VotNwSJHS-6lV_n83CwOeH90sTQIXPt-XxlAfkvSRRpmYKCv1BrfY/s320/cowomen-3ALW9V3jNkc-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The ADHD Team and Why it Matters</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">Your child's ADHD team is all of the professionals including your family, medical staff, psychiatric staff, and teachers/school helpers that work with your child. All these people work best when they're in-sync, but it's essentially been like pulling teeth to get permissions for them to talk to each other. Not only that, but I only had a vague understanding of what my son's school was doing in his OT and Speech therapy sessions. It made it frustrating when everyone was asking me questions about what everyone else was doing and my ADHD brain couldn't remember all the details, or I just didn't know. I have binders filled with all sorts of paperwork that made the school's head spin when I presented it all to them. So many different types of evaluations and medical paperwork. But no one reads all of that, and when you're dealing with psychological things it's an every evolving process.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">We had lots of different people who had totally different plans and goals for G, and it was hard to keep the tools straight. It was to the point where I had picked one or two things and then was having him do things with each person separately. It wasn't working well for me, and it wasn't working well for G, because he only used certain tools once a week, or once every two weeks, and none of them really went together. Most of the tools were great, but I needed guidance and education to implement them at home, and an actual plan to have all these random pieces of information guide my son toward better executive functioning. I kept asking people for help on his team and everyone gave me tools, but we didn't have a good way to organize them. I didn't know how to interrupt a behavior without escalating my son, and neither did anyone else, because everyone was on different pages or even on an entirely different book in the series.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Coach Mom and Dad</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">I had finally realized that this team was basically a little league baseball team, and there was no coach. I had to be that coach, and I was failing at it. This failure was leading to me not being able to help my son as he was regressing from the pandemic. We weren't having meltdowns any more, but now we were. These had originally gone away with meds, but having this regression made me realize that he didn't have the coping skills I thought he had developed. So, I had to make a plan. I checked in with everyone on his team individually about my son's emotional regulation and found out that he had a system at school that I had never learned. It was a big part of the reason that he was doing better in school, but since I didn't know about it, I couldn't use it and I couldn't tell anyone else about it. This was a big problem, but it was also a big piece of the puzzle that I needed to make a plan.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Getting Everyone Together</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">When I finally had a framework, I was able to make a plan that was universal across everyone his team. I made a list of all the tools we had and found a way to piece them together in a way that made sense and was easy for G and I to work through without having to rely on my faulty working memory. I made the plan on a document and tagged everyone in his team so we could finally have a real plan. (More on this in an upcoming post!) Suggestions were no longer repeated and complimented the existing plan. When my son had problems with one of the steps in the plan, I had someone who could jump in and give us another tool that worked with it. Even though they weren't talking to each other, we were starting to be able to move together toward the goals we needed to reach and everything my son was working on (behaviorally) was starting to make sense to him. All these tidbits weren't random anymore.</div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Working as a Team</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">Now my son's various sessions are looking different. Yes, everyone still has their specialty, as it should be, but since we have a clear plan on how these bits fit together we can fix problems that need collaboration or give advice that touches into a different area. It means that many of the tools that we have could be moved into a simple chart that G and I could understand and hand out to family, as well as babysitters and teachers.</div><div><br /></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-53575713442351771532020-05-11T23:23:00.002-07:002020-05-27T10:53:09.972-07:00Sleep and the Hyperactive Mind (With Tips!)<h2 style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsfAZa5biE1OMYsAD6YLdWabj9D-b3iuGxO3WLjIbUz0JBhyN53SapjeCYOsXWdkw2lw7w8872qKu0PB623OT5ANAlTYF3sIv-_cWBuvuBBA7wBnhT5M0xjv6a_Gu1udUNgjKU4Chi_mI/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2720" data-original-width="4032" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsfAZa5biE1OMYsAD6YLdWabj9D-b3iuGxO3WLjIbUz0JBhyN53SapjeCYOsXWdkw2lw7w8872qKu0PB623OT5ANAlTYF3sIv-_cWBuvuBBA7wBnhT5M0xjv6a_Gu1udUNgjKU4Chi_mI/s320/kate-stone-matheson-uy5t-CJuIK4-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Why is sleep so hard?!</h2><div>It feels like everyone these days has some sort of sleep related problem. In fact, about 1 in 10 American adults have reported insufficient sleep on a nightly basis. So what makes this so special in ADHD? The percentage of people with ADHD who have sleep problems is almost 3 in 4. It's a big deal. So, I think it's safe to say that most likely you, or ADHDer you care about, have a sleeping problem, too. So let's talk about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>What scientists currently believe is that there is a link between ADHD and sleep disorders, though they aren't really sure what that is. There seems to be some scientists who believe that sleep problems may be causing ADHD in some people. They believe that the racing thoughts and hyperactivity is your brain's way of preventing you from falling asleep, which, if you think about it, makes sense.</div><div><br /></div><div>Something interesting to know though, is that in people with ADHD, they have found that their circadian rhythm (or your body's natural sleep/wake cycle) may be off by almost two hours. So when a normal adult goes to bed at 10-11pm, an ADHDer would naturally go to bed at 12-1am. This makes waking up at 6 to go to work really difficult and ADHD symptoms worse.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /><span><a name='more'></a></span><h3 style="text-align: left;">What can we do about it?</h3><div>First, if you are having problems with sleep, talk to your doctor to make sure you don't have sleep apnea or another medical condition that affects your sleep. It turns out, a lot of adults AND children with ADHD see significantly better sleep and a lessening of ADHD symptoms with medical treatment. Many docs may have you take melatonin or give you a prescription sleep aid.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you've talked to your doc, but you're still having problems it might be a good idea to check if you have a co-morbid disorder like anxiety or depression. These make make restful sleep much harder, and working on their treatment will give you both peace of mind and a bit more shuteye.</div><div><br /></div><div>When you've gone to all the docs and figured out you're just a weirdo, there are still a few more things that you can do to help you sleep.</div><div><br /></div><div><ul><li>Set a calm-sounding alarm that alerts you an hour before you need to sleep.</li><li>Dim the lights well before bedtime to promote sleepiness</li><li>Make a true bedtime routine</li><li>Get at least 10 minutes of exercise during the day</li><li>Use an app to tell bedtime stories</li><li>Do a calming activity before bed</li><li>Avoid caffeine and alcohol before bed</li></ul><br /></div><span><!--more--></span><h2 style="text-align: left;">My Family's Sleep Routine</h2><div>6:00pm- The family sits down for dinner. At this stage the T.V. is turned off and we've turned off the lights in the main areas we aren't using, with our house set up that means it's just the dining room light and the Kid's Hallway. This makes the house a bit dimmer and helps the kids notice the change in light outside.</div><div><br /></div><div>7:00pm- We clean up the dining room for 10 minutes. The kids put away the toys and dishes while my husband and I scrub/vacuum. All kids electronics are plugged in and turned off for the night.</div><div><br /></div><div>7:15pm- I put my daughter, S, in the bathtub and gather the things we need for bed. My husband exercises with my son, G.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:00pm- I help S out of the bath then the kids brush their teeth. While we put S to bed G bathes and puts on his pajamas. S gets books and songs, then hugs and kisses. If she is especially awake we use a kid's app that tells quiet bedtime stories with music.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:30pm- G is in his room (usually playing piano) when we come to put him to bed. We read about a chapter of the current novel (We just finished the first Harry Potter Book), and turn off the lights. Hugs and kisses. I grab my tablet and either play lullaby music or the audio of an ASMR video (I have a few pre-selected ones that he likes).</div><div><br /></div><div>9:00pm- Hall lights are turned off. Both kids are asleep and I write while hubby plays video games. The only lights in the house are in the master and the office where we're both doing our thing and talking.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:00pm- I take my night time meds, and get ready for bed. I turn on a salt lamp and turn off the main light before laying down. If my body isn't ready to settle down then I do a bedtime yoga routine before watching an ASMR video to help me relax.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:00pm- Hubby is done gaming and comes in. We hang out and dream about the future.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:30pm- I use an app on my phone that tells boring bedtime stories for adults and put it under my pillow so that Hubby isn't bothered by it. Most nights my mind is racing without something with words to process and I can stay awake all night bouncing from thought to thought otherwise.</div><div><br /></div><h3></h3><h3></h3></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-46408516757991778892020-05-08T14:00:00.005-07:002020-05-27T23:11:41.166-07:00Hyper-focus: A Superpower and Curse of ADHD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFe28hupCEwTCAIWSeA-7M6bqoTnUdsCG_iBJeXSjO0vm2yI3Prsbrtcb8Ew5-eSeR9blNQ048e9GNZbdUbKL2u_ww1-nrD_JjnNee0KCB0qOb4V75RmLRksGmT0njqxdMqg9Xnsyhgmk/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2785" data-original-width="4193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFe28hupCEwTCAIWSeA-7M6bqoTnUdsCG_iBJeXSjO0vm2yI3Prsbrtcb8Ew5-eSeR9blNQ048e9GNZbdUbKL2u_ww1-nrD_JjnNee0KCB0qOb4V75RmLRksGmT0njqxdMqg9Xnsyhgmk/s320/william-iven-gcsNOsPEXfs-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h3><h3 style="text-align: left;">What is Hyper-focus? Aren't people with ADHD just scrambled messes all the time?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">The best example I can give of hyper-focus is one from my childhood pet beagles. Beagle dogs are hounds that are bred for their great noses, and a large portion of their brain is dedicated to the sense of smell. So, when a beagle picks up the smell of a rabbit it stops what it's doing and runs to it. Many of them won't stop even if they are hurt, injured, tired, hungry, or thirsty because all their brain is processing is that smell. The smell is its reward, and if we were hunting, it would have made it much easier to catch that rabbit. Growing up in the American southwest, we had lots of cactus around. That means that every couple of months we had to get tweezers, pliers, and soapy rags to pull cactus out of their paws and mouth.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">That is hyper-focus and when you have ADHD it can be a blessing and a curse by catching the "rabbit" at a cost of time-blindness and unintentionally ignoring people you care about because your brain doesn't process their existence in this state. Sometimes it's not even something productive that we've been sucked into. It can be a hobby, TV show, or any other distraction like learning about dolphins... for 12 hours a day and then having a large crash at the end of it. The person experiencing it does NOT get to choose what they hyper-focus on.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">So how can we interrupt it?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">The methods of interrupting hyper-focus will be different as an outside observer and as an ADHDer. When you're an outside observer, and you find that you approach a very busy ADHDer who you need to talk to, or redirect, there is a bit of a process. I will say that this isn't 100%, but it's a gentle way to help them remember the goal and work their way out of it.</div><h4 style="text-align: justify;">As an Observer:</h4><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: justify;">1) Start by greeting them and asking a question. If you get an "I'm busy", one-word answer, or the beginnings of a long-winded discussion about the topic they are stuck on without eye-contact, it's most likely that they are in hyper-focus and don't even know that they've said anything or they've acknowledged your existence but can't process that you came over for a reason.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Example:<span> </span>You: "Hey Jessica. Are you busy?" J: "Mmm-hmm."</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> <span> </span>You: "Alex, have you started your homework?" A: "Just a sec, mom. I'm about to beat this boss in my game..."</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">2) Walk up to them from the side, or someplace that you can be in view, acknowledge that they look busy, and ask them another question while touching their shoulder or arm.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Example:<span> </span>"Jess, *arm touch* I know that you're working really hard on this paper, but have you eaten tonight?"</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> <span> </span>"Alex, *hand on shoulder* I can see that you're working hard on this game. Do you have any homework left tonight?"</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">3) Offer a small task to help them move to the area that their next task is in.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Example:<span> </span>"Why don't you get a drink and we can talk in the kitchen about what we want to eat."</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> <span> </span>"</span>When you finish this battle, let's get a snack and make a plan for homework tonight."</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">4) Give them a minute or two to wrap up what they were doing and gently remind them what the next task is.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> "Hey honey, I think we're out of lemonade, but I got some soda at the store. When you get your drink, can you grab me one?"</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> "Hey! Great job on that boss. I'm trying to decide what snack to make."</span></span></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;"><span><span>As an ADHDer:</span></span></h4><div><span><span>1) Make a plan for the amount of time you are going to spend doing the task. A good starting number is 10-30 minutes.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>2) Choose something you can do for 10-15 minutes that is relaxing and moves you into the area of your next task.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>3) Grab a pen/pencil and a piece of paper to write on after you finish.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>4) Set a timer to remind you of your limit and get started.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>5) Do what you tend to hyper-focus on.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>6) When the timer goes off, write down the next thing (or 3) you would have done if you continued.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>7) Get up and do your relaxation activity away from where you were focusing.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>8) Start your new task.</span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span><span>The Good News:</span></span></h3><div style="text-align: justify;">In the title, I also mentioned that this can also be our ADHD superpower, and I do truly mean that. It's a type of motivation that people would spend big money on if it could be bottled up because it means that for certain tasks that are really interesting we can complete the work that someone without ADHD takes an entire day to do in just a few hours. We really do crack down HARD and have great blinders to distraction in this state, which makes us fantastic workers when we reach it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">When I worked at a costume shop, I was promoted to assistant manager in just 2 weeks because I was excited about the work and often came up with novel ways to inspire and train my coworkers as well as drive sales. ADHDers are also much more likely to start their own business and do well in delegating tasks that they find difficult so they can concentrate on the work that they excel in. All of that can come out of hyper-focus, and we can use it to our advantage.</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">How do you use it to your advantage?</h4><div style="text-align: justify;">The best way to promote useful hyper-focus is to make a plan that problem-solves in a new or interesting way. Invent something, become an entrepreneur, write, do some art, and make that something that you can do to contribute to the world. Everyone I've met who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult has mentioned that the second they were suspected of ADHD (and told about it) they immediately dove into a hyper-focus around the research of ADHD and it's treatments.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Some people spent a few weeks on research before moving to something else, and others spent much longer... (I'm on year 3, but psychology has always been an interest of mine.) We can all agree that this researching period is beneficial, but it must have a balance with family, friends, work, and home maintenance.</div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span><span>Notes:</span></span></h3><div style="text-align: justify;">Breaking out of hyper-focus is a skill that I'm STILL working on, but I have found that doing the process above has so far worked about 80% of the time. I tend to lose the fight with ADHD the longer I allow myself to spend on the task, and if it doesn't have clear milestones to help me break out. If I'm writing here in the blog, it's easier for me to break in the middle when I finish a section or paragraph. However, if I'm just surfing the internet can be tricky to really feel a good stopping point, especially if you've started comparing things you want to buy. </div></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-80813678620080919672020-05-07T14:15:00.001-07:002020-05-27T23:37:16.785-07:00OT and 2E<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRReYaZXDlPVzpjWQe6wYPv3Eyx72plpWJT6JXjncnfESpDUwKCqGZp9XM2R6nt59gawAiG3rCByzGI7fWrkZ-OB9K_7pkl8_O852-ZbhMozQapfxBQodHHwEfuOCOg2WkIzYNMhzEXFw/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1987" data-original-width="3000" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRReYaZXDlPVzpjWQe6wYPv3Eyx72plpWJT6JXjncnfESpDUwKCqGZp9XM2R6nt59gawAiG3rCByzGI7fWrkZ-OB9K_7pkl8_O852-ZbhMozQapfxBQodHHwEfuOCOg2WkIzYNMhzEXFw/s320/kelly-sikkema-k4xoACkQZiw-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div>Although I've shared <a href="https://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/04/gs-story.html">G's Story</a> in a previous post, I wanted to touch on one of the biggest tools in our therapy toolbox, occupational therapy. When G was 3-5 years old, a lot of his symptoms we attributed to his ADHD were much worse. Yes, he got older, but it was so much more than that. He didn't play with toys for more than a minute or two, he hated loud noises, and he used to hit the things around him on accident ALL THE TIME, and then there were the obvious focus problems. When we started worrying about handwriting meltdowns in kindergarten we talked to his doctor who referred him to OT.<br />
<br />
Now, I mentioned that G isn't very into playing with toys, but it also extends to writing and anything that really requires fine motor skills. (This has turned into his biggest <a href="http://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/05/what-is-wall-of-awful.html">"Wall of Awful"</a>) He just never had the patience to sit down and do... well... anything. He learned to read through my husband and I reading him stories and subtitles on the TV, so the need to sit was at a minimum. Now we're dealing with the consequences of that. They're building the entire system of muscles that are associated with writing from his fingers to his shoulders and core muscles. He's still not a fan of fine motor activities, but we can now hold a pencil and write a sentence without a full on temper tantrum. For G, this was a huge win.<span id="goog_221304821"></span><br />
<br />
However, it's not just his fine motor skills that are a problem. When he was an infant we immediately noticed that he was more reactive to sound than other babies, and as he got older we found him unable to tolerate crowds or even playdates with more than 2 or 3 kids. It was too much for him and we often had to leave early because of meltdowns. His hypersensitivity to sound made a lot of public events very hard to handle, and for a long time we had to carry earplugs with us. When he started OT, he also started a sound therapy program which has helped him tolerate more and tell us there is a problem BEFORE he melts down. The biggest breakthrough we had this year was going to Bush Gardens and my son telling me through a loud concert that he needed to leave. We had all of my husband's extended family with us and he was able to wait for all of our things to be gathered before moving to a quieter spot further into the park. This was just one way we fond out his body reacts differently to the world around us.<br />
<br />
G also has problems feeling where he is in space, which means that he was accidentally hitting kids and the wall corners by accident. We originally attributed this to attention. It's not, and it's one of the reasons he can't sit still. His body needs lots of pressure on his joints to understand where he in space so the jumping and running and pushing were all ways his body was giving itself the pressure it needed. This means that we've had to learn how to help him with that and although he's not perfect, it has reduced SOME of the hyper activity we were seeing. We learned that a lot of his hyperactivity was coming from that need for preoccipital input and have found techniques that can help him feel that pressure and learned how to spot the signs that he is seeking input.<br />
<br />
This one was especially surprising, but we learned that focusing was physically tiring for my son. Apparently the muscles in his eyes get sore when he uses them to look at things without turning his head. To cope with this, he's been moving his whole whole head and body. Most people can flick their eyes to the side really quickly if something distracts them during a conversation without moving their head, so the person stays in view, but my son can't (at least not for long). So when he wants to look at something and he has to move his head, taking what he was doing out of his field of vision. Out of sight truly is out of mind with ADHD, so this is likely to be impacting his focus as well.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure what the future is going to bring, and every week the changes have been small, but I think a lot of the wins we've seen this year have been due to his OT. If you have a child with ADHD and have the ability to go, it might really be worth considering having them evaluated. The quality of life for both him and our family has increased significantly since he started. He's so much happier and better able to cope with the world.Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-90297044186444996622020-05-06T14:39:00.002-07:002020-05-06T14:41:27.266-07:00What is the "Wall of Awful"?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaY3hnQ6TDZb4NUJUwdG-BXjNxDpQ0IDK6rutkCdXJ09T96LYhcYhGpaYZduXkIgkyvVkIXB2PU7dNCyzkS1P0EP46UKNp6kpp4wUUFCa5_C8Hp98dn1ircb1_AYjnG35d5Auvwke4TMc/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="940" data-original-width="1280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaY3hnQ6TDZb4NUJUwdG-BXjNxDpQ0IDK6rutkCdXJ09T96LYhcYhGpaYZduXkIgkyvVkIXB2PU7dNCyzkS1P0EP46UKNp6kpp4wUUFCa5_C8Hp98dn1ircb1_AYjnG35d5Auvwke4TMc/s320/shame-799099_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;"><br /></h3><h3 style="text-align: justify;">What is the "Wall of Awful", and why is it important in understanding the ADHD Brain?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The "Wall of Awful" is a metaphor, created by Brendan Mahan, to describe the feelings of dread and anxiety that people create around tasks that we have failed at in the past. It's built in the middle of our pathway to success and is built from the times that we felt we failed to complete something, or that we didn't do it well enough. The key difference in ADHDers and neurotypicals (AKA, people who have not been diagnosed with brain differences) is that ADHDers build their walls a lot faster and a lot higher than neurotypicals for the same failures.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;">What are the bricks that people build their walls out of and how does it get so big? </h3><div style="text-align: justify;">There are three types of bricks that make up the wall of awful. The first brick is the failure brick. Everyone receives a failure brick if they fail a task, but it's one brick. If you're coming up to a "wall" but it's one brick tall, it's very easily stepped over, though you'll watch your step to make sure you don't stub your toe. This brick by itself isn't the problem, but the cascading effect of the other bricks that makes ADHDers much less likely to do an important task.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The second brick, the guilt brick, everyone can get, but ADHDers tend to give themselves much more them. A neurotypical may receive one or two bricks like this if they fail a presentation for their team at work. One for the team, and maybe one for their boss. An ADHDer would receive a brick for each member of the team personally, one for their boss, one for themselves, and one for their spouse when they came home and told them about how it went. So now, we're looking at a wall with 3 bricks, versus a wall with 7 bricks. That 3 brick wall is going to be easier to another step over wall, but the 6 brick wall may need to be sat on the climb over. Not the end of the world, but it will require real effort and a plan to pull off.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The last brick, the rejection brick, is usually reserved for ADHDers or some sort of major failing such as forgetting your wedding day or being caught in a big lie. On our wall, we're going to count the number of guilt bricks we earned from the people in our lives, and give ourselves an extra brick for each one of those bricks. If you're still keeping score, that's neurotypicals with a 3 brick high wall, and ADHDers with and 11 brick high wall. At this point we may need help getting over the wall.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Take this wall, and add to it any time you failed at the same task. People make walls around all types of tasks, whether it's going to the gym, doing the dishes, finishing a homework assignment, or even asking someone on a date. Each time we fail, we add new bricks to our wall of awful and it gets harder for us to overcome them.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">What can slow the build of these walls and make it easier?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">Walls of Awful can be overwhelming and stop us from moving forward on our path to success, but by showing compassion to others and ourselves we can stop adding as many bricks to the wall. When we learn coping mechanisms to help us climb the wall, it gets easier for us ADHDers to climb it the next time. Successes and encouragement along the way can carve niches for us to use to help ourselves up.</div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-67240694092023020222020-05-04T13:38:00.006-07:002020-05-27T23:31:43.774-07:00Marriage, Communication, and Progress (Making and Sharing an ADHD Plan)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Q5-ouE6jTNbJsBe05YCB5_z6W14r82N2PuYvYljRh_2eSOaga3TfxDzKGDpfMxq0IlKU3OY5QUplJAJYLIyngVXFjH9Sv6MLv9_Mmv4huxLveo-PCFf7z7I4Sh3_TpflKHbiFDr4jc4/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="5472" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Q5-ouE6jTNbJsBe05YCB5_z6W14r82N2PuYvYljRh_2eSOaga3TfxDzKGDpfMxq0IlKU3OY5QUplJAJYLIyngVXFjH9Sv6MLv9_Mmv4huxLveo-PCFf7z7I4Sh3_TpflKHbiFDr4jc4/s320/priscilla-du-preez-g86airJZ4Gs-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h2 style="text-align: justify;">The Hidden Problem in Most ADHD Marriages</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">In marriage, and every other relationship, communication is the glue that holds everything together. But how much are you sharing about your progress towards handling your ADHD? As I've spent time learning about ADHD and talking with others who have it, I've seen a recurring problem in the marriage department. Chores. Now, why is this a separate issue from <a href="http://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/04/not-enough-hours-scheduling.html">scheduling?</a> The answer is, that the argument isn't about the chores, it's about something much deeper. It's all about needs that have been communicated by your spouse not being met, and a perceived lack of progress toward meeting that need.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;">What is the Problem?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">When you have ADHD, it's hard to see the forest through the trees, and this argument is no exception. As an ADHDer it took me way too long to start seeking help, and my husband was so incredibly supportive that it made me feel guilty. The dishes were done weekly at most, and as you can imagine, that was terrible. I would look at the dishes while my husband was at work and want so desperately to finish them. I would ugly cry with my head in my hands and torment myself on how it should be something easy. Right? So when your spouse brings it up, it's very hard NOT to be defensive (Especially since ADHD is a delay in <a href="http://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-are-executive-functions.html">Executive Functions</a>) no matter how sweet and compassionate they are about it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;">What is happening?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">1) My husband couldn't see the struggle I was having, so it felt like I didn't care and was just trying to make him do it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">2) I wasn't trying to fix the problem yet.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't really taking steps to make it less daunting since it was already "easy". With ADHD, it's not easy. It was never easy, and I didn't know enough about myself to know what to do.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: justify;">So how do you fix the problem?</h2><div style="text-align: justify;">Talking about what the problem is with your spouse and making a plan to fix it. Easier said than done, I get it. Doing this means admitting there's a problem to one of the people who you love and admire more than anyone else in the world. It also means seeking help from strangers. Both of these things can be terrifying. If you need to start the conversation over text, email, or chat, do it. Be honest about your struggle and your feelings.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: justify;">What helped my husband have a better understanding?</h3><div style="text-align: justify;">One of my husband's biggest breakthroughs with ADHD was learning about the <a href="http://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/05/what-is-wall-of-awful.html">"Wall of Awful"</a> because he doesn't actually experience it, especially to the same extent I do. He didn't realize that there's a mental pain that stops us from doing certain tasks and he certainly didn't know how to help because I didn't either. I had to start researching how my brain worked, and that gave me the ability to talk to him about what I was learning. I started to try new things, and many of them failed, but I kept making plans to succeed and doing research to help me with those plans. He also did his best to support me by asking me how the new things were going and reminding me of the plan.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">As I did more research and tried more things, I felt better about myself and my husband began to really admire the effort I was putting into doing better. When the dishes still weren't done, it was easier to be understanding and help me problem solve. The problem wasn't the chores, it was that I wasn't making progress and I didn't have actionable plans to make progress. Now we have "ADHD Plan" meetings where I discuss things I have learned, and how that impacts what I am doing to make things better for myself and the family.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">What does an ADHD Plan need to have to be fully thought out and well communicated to your partner?</h2><h4 style="text-align: left;">1) Start with what you've learned.</h4><div>"Hey, honey! I was reading this blog about ADHD and they talked about marriage and communication."</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">OR</h4><div>"I was watching this YouTube video about ADHD and they talk about an executive function fuel tank."</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">2) What is the problem that this information can help you to solve</h4><div>"And I realized that I need to be more open with you about what I'm doing to make chores easier for myself."</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">OR</h4><div>"I think that I haven't done a good job of spreading out my work and I've been getting overwhelmed in the afternoon."</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">3) What is the change that you are going to make to fix the problem?</h4><div>"So I want to sit down with you after the kids go to bed and update you on what I'm doing to try and get better at doing things around the house."</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">OR</h4><div>"I'd really like to find a time that we can sit down and come up with a schedule that works well with our family."</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">4) Listen to their concerns and be open to explaining your reasoning.</h4><div>Partner: "I really like that idea, but I'm really tired at the end of the day and I don't know how well I can focus on it after a long day. How about we do a weekly update on Saturday mornings?"</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">OR</h4><div>Partner: "My work is looking really busy this week. Can you make a schedule and email it to me? If it needs changes I can let you know."</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">5) Compromise and explain further questions.</h4><div><br /></div><div>"Saturday mornings I have my yoga class. We could do Sundays."</div><h4 style="text-align: left;">OR</h4><div>"I know that you're busy, but I need a little help deciding which things need the most attention. Maybe we can make a list of things for the schedule now, and I can send you the schedule tomorrow."</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">The Results</h3><div>I'm happy to report that my and my husband's communication is doing really well. He's been great about telling me if I need to bring up something in my appointments. I've invited him to attend future appointments so he can communicate changes that I might be missing. I'm glad that we can be open and honest about how our lives are being affected on both sides due to my ADHD. It really makes a difference in the kind of help and support I receive, which strengthens our relationship even further.</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Special Note:</h3><h4 style="text-align: left;">*Be aware that the ADHD plan will be an ever-evolving and most things will either not work or will need to be changed. Even things that worked for a long time will change, and that's okay. Open communication is what makes the difference.</h4><h4 style="text-align: left;">*This only works well if your partner is willing to communicate with you, which is a big part of being in a healthy relationship. If you find that your partner is unwilling to listen to your plans without an argument erupting, it might be time to consider couple's therapy.</h4><div><br /></div>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-50788971117350070772020-04-30T13:55:00.001-07:002020-05-07T10:33:10.903-07:00What are Executive Functions?Let me start this post by saying I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist. Nor do I want to be. Although I want what's best for you, a true medical professional can help you with what treatments work best with your body and not some random lady on a blog that recently figured out how to see the bottom of her sink without almost crying...<br />
<br />
Now then. With that settled, I've been asked about what it feels like to be on medication and off medication, and my answer is pretty complicated and requires you to understand what ADHD feels like, and it's symptoms. For now, let me just say that ADHD is a poorly named neurodevelopmental disorder (aka, you have to be born with it). When you have ADHD, the things that makes us truly human, our executive functions, are developmentally delayed. Some people can catch up, and others don't. I haven't, and it's doubtful that in the 2 years that my brain is still developing its executive functions that I will. It's okay. I don't know any different way to live and in some ways it can be oddly useful. In fact, in caveman days, scientist theorize that having warriors with ADHD was an advantage because they would be the first to react to threats. That said, today in the US I haven't been stalked by any tigers recently, so that advantage has been lost on me.<br />
<br />
So why can people be so smart and such a space cadet when they have ADHD? It's simple. It's not a problem with knowledge, it's a problem with performance. The prefrontal cortex (the front of your brain) doesn't filter out distractions properly, so when I "focus" on something (without meds) I can only focus 300% or not at all. I don't have control over how much I can do, my brain gets to pick.<br />
<br />
When you have ADHD, there are seven executive functions that are lagging behind everyone else, and most of these things fly under the radar when you have a quick conversation with people. Those functions are self-awareness, inhibition, non-verbal working memory (the ability to hold pictures in your mind), verbal working memory (the ability to hold sounds in your mind), emotional self-regulation, self motivation, and planning/problem solving.<br />
<br />
Here's the ones I think most people can piece out for themselves. Self-awareness is self-directed attention. Now add inhibition, the ability to not do what feels good to avoid bad things. Self-motivation, AKA willpower so you can make yourself do things that aren't interesting or fun. The last easier to guess function is emotional self-regulation, this is the ability to mask your emotions to avoid consequences. Now, if you aren't familiar with ADHD, the rest might need a bit of explaining.<br />
<br />
Non-verbal working memory seems like something hard to explain, but it's something you do all the time. In fact, I want you to close your eyes and picture Hawaii in your mind. That ability to hold a picture in your mind is your non-verbal working memory at work. It's holding a picture in your mind so you can use it, like when you think of the mac and cheese box when you're gathering things for dinner. You can see the blue box with the white letters and the orange cheese on the front. ADHD people have a hard time holding onto that image while they search.<br />
<br />
Verbal working memory is your inner monologue, or the voice in your head that you use to talk to yourself. You know the one you use to mentally give yourself a pep-talk before taking a hard test... Yeah. That one.<br />
<br />
What you're left with now is planning and problem-solving. Now I know that you believe you know what this is, but psychology doesn't define this as making a flow-chart (though you definitely need it to make one). This one is considered "mental play" or manipulating information in your mind to make new ideas. Kind of a big deal when you try to do anything new.<br />
<br />
So what does this all mean? How do all of these things fit together? It's a self-regulation disorder that results in time blindness and the <a href="http://adhdsahm.blogspot.com/2020/05/what-is-wall-of-awful.html">"Wall of Awful"</a>. You can't make a mental goal, hold it in mind, and think of different ways to complete it in the moment. You can't use past experiences to modify your behavior in the moment because your brain just can't access them. The memory is still there, but the link between it and the part of our brain that does the things is on the fritz. You can't regulate yourself enough to make yourself do an unpreferred task without significant help, and due to your lack of mind's eye and internal dialogue, telling yourself to just get up and do it doesn't work nearly as well as someone without ADHD. This is an incredibly disabling disorder, and isn't due to lack of intelligence or lack of love for the people around them. It's faulty wiring in the brain that keeps you from doing the things you already know you should do. I hope that this helps you understand either yourself, or someone you love a little bit better.Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-33897187109913330452020-04-30T11:32:00.006-07:002020-06-24T15:41:33.818-07:00Parenting is Hard (Meltdowns and Coping)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnP2iE3zn4PSjuYSFp0_BP56b8zL0eLUgNIAqEHEySoPJgvbhElRNFYJJtSEwLERN5TFXKwjnU8lsjhG6B3Qt6iQd0MZSo5LYDmUtLNQF0yaKHd5AQh4xzCCLKiSQTu8xtZsm0NZEIAcI/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4104" data-original-width="2736" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnP2iE3zn4PSjuYSFp0_BP56b8zL0eLUgNIAqEHEySoPJgvbhElRNFYJJtSEwLERN5TFXKwjnU8lsjhG6B3Qt6iQd0MZSo5LYDmUtLNQF0yaKHd5AQh4xzCCLKiSQTu8xtZsm0NZEIAcI/s320/anthony-tran-i-ePv9Dxg7U-unsplash.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;"><font size="6">ADHD and the Stay at Home Mom has Moved! To see this post <a href="https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/parenting-is-hard">CLICK HERE!</a></font></div>
Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-34636600020175642452020-04-28T19:37:00.004-07:002020-04-30T00:16:15.287-07:00G's Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjbdapp8CuWjtZTY1xSGREx-Le2YHV6jxN4bgzo4u1KczbMX_NgceYln8V-7-wTnhsdql0QNfv8tcGynEogBMX9Ty9qozzbei7cKkcxuHl9KJKSfGEwbwFbWPtNsm6vgR_kj8OgLMIfl8/s1600/13723976_10209837631480196_3010609775787862900_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="1365" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjbdapp8CuWjtZTY1xSGREx-Le2YHV6jxN4bgzo4u1KczbMX_NgceYln8V-7-wTnhsdql0QNfv8tcGynEogBMX9Ty9qozzbei7cKkcxuHl9KJKSfGEwbwFbWPtNsm6vgR_kj8OgLMIfl8/s320/13723976_10209837631480196_3010609775787862900_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
My six year old son, G, is twice exceptional or 2E, and anyone that's met him can tell the second he opens his mouth. He's gifted and can tell you about every single Minecraft update that's ever been uploaded along with more than you'd care to know about Archimedes' screws. He doesn't like to play with toys, which has been hard.<br />
<br />
At 3 years old he was reading, but couldn't sit still. He was nearly kicked out of two different preschools even without being violent. Just busy, unable to sit down or listen, breaking down anytime someone asked him to use fine motor skills or the room was too noisy. Now, after occupational therapy you wouldn't know about his sensitivities as much, but the ADHD is still very much there.<br />
<br />
I've had to grow and learn everything I could about childhood ADHD and giftedness just to fight for my son's education. His knowledge is at a fourth grade level, his executive functions are at a 4 year old level, and his body is 6.<br />
<br />
We started the year as a kindergarten boundary exception at the best public school in our area, the school they send the rest of the gifted children to, but he wasn't thriving. In fact, he was becoming depressed, and I watched everyday as the light dimmed from his eyes. His teacher tried so hard to work with him, the school psychologist loved him to death, but didn't know enough about being twice-exceptional and I had to send him my own research when I used psychological jargon above his understanding. Their solution was to send him to Special Ed with 3rd graders. He couldn't stay there.<br />
<br />
We found a new school where the lady at the front desk knew what twice-exceptional was and actually used the term herself. They've given him REAL services and have an aide in his regular classroom to help him as needed rather than removing him. He's finally being challenged and helped equally so he can rise to his full potential.Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-31829118844753697222020-04-28T19:07:00.003-07:002020-06-24T15:39:25.064-07:00My Journey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtLkU755n9TQZLYMHhNZilUW9p33eWvBl6hhzD29uTuFFRlRLgwUYD241OTL6Ts3g7D91JWvyizS7AFH_9eFJAHpNppuPsiue3HuoRRRWSFc2-rGN7xdpMrmo00MLnT1RlOgM9dklFJT0/s1600/touch-2579147_1280.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtLkU755n9TQZLYMHhNZilUW9p33eWvBl6hhzD29uTuFFRlRLgwUYD241OTL6Ts3g7D91JWvyizS7AFH_9eFJAHpNppuPsiue3HuoRRRWSFc2-rGN7xdpMrmo00MLnT1RlOgM9dklFJT0/s320/touch-2579147_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /><font size="6">ADHD and the Stay at Home Mom has Moved! To see this post, <a href="https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/my-adhd-journey">CLICK HERE</a>!</font>Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-84612807628022682252020-04-28T17:13:00.006-07:002020-06-24T15:37:43.692-07:00Not Enough Hours (Scheduling)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGoj7_3j5Ax19nGhctsdfoYtOAFHxmmNlCSt74flUbGbT8pHzBQpM2LUmNtOXXo6uPOAPMk0ZMyNvA3IABiWho_PsuiCZV-CVyoZDK3UxMqwRBrCZq6FY5wHu4AXDYqPCiPyYhpMWvXeM/s1600/diary-614149_1280.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGoj7_3j5Ax19nGhctsdfoYtOAFHxmmNlCSt74flUbGbT8pHzBQpM2LUmNtOXXo6uPOAPMk0ZMyNvA3IABiWho_PsuiCZV-CVyoZDK3UxMqwRBrCZq6FY5wHu4AXDYqPCiPyYhpMWvXeM/s320/diary-614149_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">ADHD and the Stay at Home Mom has Moved! To see this post, <a href="https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/scheduling-at-home">CLICK HERE</a>!</h2>
<div>
</div>
Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8694144878960695315.post-11416737334825008762020-04-28T13:37:00.003-07:002020-06-24T15:35:56.323-07:00Autopilot (Making Habits)<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPj1Vf5a5QyGUqpL-nDFvHuQg5-uddGNeLYNEXgrq_MNVOI3ia_yFGQDwpyshUgjWk34vx-7b5KoAzETU5OtWBgFlmu8HKnhwsIyDXMcIlWDKNd7HLV-P6gez6SMY-uWqKIb3DSy0vvvc/s1600/help-153094_1280.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1074" data-original-width="1280" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPj1Vf5a5QyGUqpL-nDFvHuQg5-uddGNeLYNEXgrq_MNVOI3ia_yFGQDwpyshUgjWk34vx-7b5KoAzETU5OtWBgFlmu8HKnhwsIyDXMcIlWDKNd7HLV-P6gez6SMY-uWqKIb3DSy0vvvc/s320/help-153094_1280.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br /><br /></div>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">ADHD and the Stay at Home Mom has Moved! To see this post on our new site, <a href="https://www.adhdandthestayathomemom.com/post/autopilot-making-habits">CLICK HERE</a> !</h2><div><ol>
</ol>
</div>
Katy Phillipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06144630623556366186noreply@blogger.com2